By LEON YOUNGBLOOD
My own standards of integrity and honesty make me gullible, sometimes. I fell for these stories recently, taking them to be real incidences. Maybe they are. Have you heard any of ’em?
John, my Reverend friend, enjoys his work, but sometimes gets frustrated with Pastoral counseling. As an example, he told of a woman’s concern for her live-in boyfriend’s “providing.”
“He’s not a good provider?” John questioned.
“Well, Preacher, he says he’s goin’ to fix up the place an’ git some furniture, providin’ he gits some money; an’ he’s goin’ to git some money, providin’ he gits a job; an’ he’s goin’ to git a job, providin’ it’s easy; an’ he’ll stay with it, providin’ he likes it! Preacher, he’s the providin’est man I ever seen! But I ain’t seen no fixin’, no furniture, no money or no job!”
This sounded plausible to me. Next, he told about a young woman who came crying to his office. “My husband’s leavin’ me again, Preacher. He means it, this time!”
“But he’s always come back home,” John reassured. “Why do you think he’s not coming back this time?”
“‘Cause he’s taken his huntin’ stuff, his fishin’ stuff, and the dog!”
John then mentioned the problems of a businessman who was being sued for discrimination. “Some single men are suing him because he refuses to hire bachelors.”
I bit and asked, “Why?”
“If they’ve never had to explain anything to an angry wife, they probably couldn’t explain anything to an angry customer.
“And you know Lizzie, don’t you? She got upset at church a few Sundays ago. She was offended about a criticism of her hymn singing.”
“You know Larry, the Sheriff’s Deputy. His son asked him, after her music solo, ‘Dad, did you say that lady sings to the prisoners at the jail sometimes?’ Larry said, ‘Yes, son, she does. Keep that in mind, if you ever decide to break the law!'”
Attorney Nate L. Cleft told about a trial where his client was asked by the Judge, “Sir, do you have any closing statements you’d like to make, before your sentence is given?”
“Your Honor, would anything I say benefit me, or reduce the sentence?”
The Judge reflected a moment, and said, “No–not in the least.”
“Then, your Honor, let me just say you’re the biggest idiot I’ve ever come across in my entire life, and I’ve been to 37 states and Mexico.”
Nate’s convict brings to mind a lady who buttered me up, a little, and then said, “You know which of your columns is my favorite?”
“No. Which is your favorite column?”
“The short one.”
Her friends laughed heartily, and I smiled myself as I strangled the woman, for it was kind of funny. This week’s column is dedicated to her.